I know I haven’t posted much in the way of poems or song lyrics, lately. I have written a few things, but my decision to post them has been harder to make each day. Over the past few months I have been under an enormous amount of stress for several reasons. The hardest part is, it’s going to get worse before it can finally get better. Every time I think I’m ready to dive into the dark, I get scared and hesitate. I know now that I must make the jump whether I’m ready or not. It must be done. I can say that I have high hopes that this one big move will make many things better on the other side.
Unfortunately, all this stress and decision making has drained me emotionally and physically. It has also depleted most of the self-confidence I had built up this year. Every time I wrote something, blog post, poem or even email, I questioned everything about it. Some days I won’t even respond on Twitter or Facebook, because I just know it won’t be funny or understood. I even convinced myself that those that supported me had abandoned me and my fellow writers were better off without me cluttering up the better articles. I have let myself sit here and talk myself into shutting down all my creative projects. I didn’t even want to talk to my friends about it, because I knew they would sugar coat my work to make me feel better. I was never able to actually stop writing, I just stop wanting to share. I didn’t shut anything down either, because I knew my vulnerability was driving my emotions. But I did seem to be stuck in a place that was making me feel invisible and useless. My saving grace is my kids. I could never let myself fall too far down, because they need me and I need them, every day.
Well, I finally reached out to someone, who I can honestly call a gift from God. I met her through the Home Free fan group and it was a meeting that had destiny written all over it. I gave her a quick overview of what I said above. Her response was brilliant and true. She asked me if I still enjoyed writing. It didn’t matter the response or who supported me or how many people read the blog. What mattered was did writing the blog or the poems or the song lyrics still give me peace and enjoyment. And the answer is, without hesitation or question, yes. I have so many things written down that I have no intention of sharing, it’s just for me. It helps clear all the craziness in my head, so I can focus and do what needs to be done. But, nonetheless, I have to write. And there was my answer. It’s like she hit me with a book, right between the eyes. Writing is my tool, my peace, my inner strength and my way of dealing with the world around me, good or bad. My friend is very wise. Funny thing is I have another friend who has told me the very same thing, only writing wasn’t the topic. But the answer and message was the same. So I have two gifts from God, called friends. One is a childhood friend and one is a new friend.
Life will never give us the perfect opportunity to do anything. There will always be something, no matter how small, in the way of where we want to be. Is what you want something you enjoy and something that will benefit you? Then say a little prayer, take a deep breath, close your eyes and grab onto your faith with all your might and jump.
Thank you to my friends, my followers and any other stranger that stops by for taking time out of your day to read the insanity I call my thoughts. Maybe some day, when I grow up, I'll be able to do this nonsense for a living!