Wednesday, September 23, 2015

A lot of stress, a couple of friends and a simple message

I know I haven’t posted much in the way of poems or song lyrics, lately. I have written a few things, but my decision to post them has been harder to make each day. Over the past few months I have been under an enormous amount of stress for several reasons. The hardest part is, it’s going to get worse before it can finally get better. Every time I think I’m ready to dive into the dark, I get scared and hesitate. I know now that I must make the jump whether I’m ready or not. It must be done. I can say that I have high hopes that this one big move will make many things better on the other side.

Unfortunately, all this stress and decision making has drained me emotionally and physically. It has also depleted most of the self-confidence I had built up this year. Every time I wrote something, blog post, poem or even email, I questioned everything about it. Some days I won’t even respond on Twitter or Facebook, because I just know it won’t be funny or understood. I even convinced myself that those that supported me had abandoned me and my fellow writers were better off without me cluttering up the better articles. I have let myself sit here and talk myself into shutting down all my creative projects. I didn’t even want to talk to my friends about it, because I knew they would sugar coat my work to make me feel better. I was never able to actually stop writing, I just stop wanting to share. I didn’t shut anything down either, because I knew my vulnerability was driving my emotions. But I did seem to be stuck in a place that was making me feel invisible and useless. My saving grace is my kids. I could never let myself fall too far down, because they need me and I need them, every day.

Well, I finally reached out to someone, who I can honestly call a gift from God. I met her through the Home Free fan group and it was a meeting that had destiny written all over it. I gave her a quick overview of what I said above. Her response was brilliant and true. She asked me if I still enjoyed writing. It didn’t matter the response or who supported me or how many people read the blog. What mattered was did writing the blog or the poems or the song lyrics still give me peace and enjoyment. And the answer is, without hesitation or question, yes. I have so many things written down that I have no intention of sharing, it’s just for me. It helps clear all the craziness in my head, so I can focus and do what needs to be done. But, nonetheless, I have to write. And there was my answer. It’s like she hit me with a book, right between the eyes. Writing is my tool, my peace, my inner strength and my way of dealing with the world around me, good or bad. My friend is very wise. Funny thing is I have another friend who has told me the very same thing, only writing wasn’t the topic. But the answer and message was the same. So I have two gifts from God, called friends. One is a childhood friend and one is a new friend.

Life will never give us the perfect opportunity to do anything. There will always be something, no matter how small, in the way of where we want to be. Is what you want something you enjoy and something that will benefit you? Then say a little prayer, take a deep breath, close your eyes and grab onto your faith with all your might and jump. 

I may have to slow down on writing until my big personal endeavor is over, but I will not stop writing. I hope that even if you don’t ready everything I write, you at least read the paragraph above and keep it with you always. I know many have said the same thing in their own way, but I think I finally believe it, in my heart.

Thank you to my friends, my followers and any other stranger that stops by for taking time out of your day to read the insanity I call my thoughts. Maybe some day, when I grow up, I'll be able to do this nonsense for a living! 

Friday, September 11, 2015

A day to remember and we'll never forget any of you

Here's my teenie tiny contribution to Remembering the fallen on 9/11

I still get chills and tears well in my eyes when I hear people say where they were and how they felt as they heard the news of the first plane hitting and then the second plane. I get that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach and my chest when I see footage of the buildings fall. I was thousands of miles away and only watched on TV and yet if I felt helpless, lost and shattered, imagine how those felt who were standing right there. To say my heart goes out to them, just doesn’t seem like enough. I can only pray that God will touch each one of them and let them know he’s there.

I kept saying over and over, WHY? I'm not a political person, so I'm naive when it comes to foreign affairs. Or maybe I intentionally stay out of it, because I know my heart can’t take the horror. I just didn't understand why anyone could or would take completely innocent lives, in the name of religion, politics or because a so called leader said no lives matter, only my cause. I am befuddled at the idea that human lives don’t matter, for any reason. And yes, I’m fool-hearted, I know.

My heart goes out to the amazingly brave people on the plane that took action, knowing it was the last thing they would ever do. Who knows how many lives they saved with their own. That's a hero, that's having the heart and strength of a warrior. And to each and every person that dug out people, alive or dead, and had to see the devastation left behind. God bless them all. And God bless those left behind. I hope, for at least today, we can remember a day when we all stood together and helped each other survive, physically and emotionally. They hugged, cried, screamed, pulled with every ounce of strength and rejoiced when they found a survivor. Those terrorists didn't care who was on those planes, what they did for a living or where their families where from or what religion they were, the terrorists were going to kill them all. Let's not let them take our dignity too, they took enough.

So to the firemen, policemen, doctors, nurses, by standers, bus drivers, pilots, passengers, construction workers and every other person in New York that day I say I’m so sorry for your loss and the tragedy you had to endure. And Thank You to you and all the other people from around the country and the world that went to New York to help. I believe this is what any God would want man to do, help each other.

The world will never be perfect and may never see full peace, but at least it’s comforting to know that when a tragedy of this magnitude hits, we can all come together and survive. May God bless us all!